Today I cried those secret mama cries. That's not unusual. A couple of days ago I cried a little when I saw my son's little truck in the backyard and realized he had not played with it in years. There was one time that he pushed that truck or his little cars and it was the last time. And it went unnoticed by me. The last time.
That made me sad.
Then, in my seemingly usual neuroticism, I gave myself a mental tongue-lashing as I thought of the mamas (and daddies) who have lost their children and would give anything to see their babies "move on" to the next phase. Sentimentality and Guilt usually reside equally in my brain.
Today, my tears were for my oldest. She is an old soul with a vivid imagination.
Earlier this year, my 12-year-old daughter lost a tooth. She put it under her pillow. Three days later, I asked her if the tooth fairy had come. She said, "No. I put it under my pillow the first night, and nothing. So the next night I put it by my lamp because I've grown a lot and I figured my head might be too heavy. She still didn't come. I don't get it."
Bless. her. heart.
Remembering this, and knowing that it is time, I took her out for a girl's day recently. Just the two of us. I was lamenting the fact that we parents have to crush the magic for some kids- but I recognized that it is a responsibility that we must shoulder. As we sat at a cozy pizza joint, I talked about growing up and how it can be hard, but it can also be wonderful. "The magical things that you believe when you're little? You find out that they aren't real, but then you get to watch the magic in the eyes of your children. Or your baby sister." She thought about this for a split second and said, "Mom I like childish things. I like to be a child. I don't want to get bigger. I don't."
I dropped it.
I reconsidered.
No.
Maybe I was wrong to release this opportunity so quickly, but I analyzed her response and reasoned that she really knows. She knows. But she doesn't want to give it up. And why should I make her? I don't think she argues Santa and Fairies at school. She keeps to herself, has few (close) friends, and basically gets her work done. She enjoys life and lives in a world in her mind that I sometimes envy. It's a world that also frightens me, as I don't understand it and I shudder to think of the pain that could break her sweet spirit.
Today I took her shopping for jeans. We went to the mall and I immediately went to the 7-16 Girls section. We found some 14s and headed to the Junior section. I have to say- this is the first day I have actually shopped with my daughter in the Junior section. I found some size 0s and 1s and 3s, not knowing which girls' size converted to what. She came out of the dressing room. The 14s were too short. The 1s fit great. To make matters worse, she found a dress that she loved and it was a size 3. She tried it on and it was precious. Not precious in a look-at-my-little-baby way; she looked like a child fast becoming a young woman and I was standing there watching her beam at herself in the mirror. I could not imagine how that reflection posing was MY BABY. The girl who likes being "childish" most of the time, but who asks when she can wear make-up and wants high heels every time we pass a shoe department. The girl who meticulously cleans her face every night and sighs in frustration at the tiny pimples or blackheads that make small appearances on her T-zone. I turned around so she couldn't see me get teary-eyed at her innocent joy, at her blossoming image, at her loosening grip.
I do often get sentimental when I think of Sarah. What an easy, fun girl I have had! I miss three-year-old Sarah trick or treating with an enthusiasm that made strangers laugh. I miss her exuberant five-year-old self. (Oh- You should have seen her as a piggy dancer in her kindergarten circus performance!) I miss the nine-year-old who followed the nurse underfoot while she studied her baby sister. I know I will miss this 12-year-old one day, too.
My girl is growing up, and it is a privilege to see who she becomes.
After trying on the age-propelling dress, I encouraged Sarah to find some cute Junior shirts to go with her Junior jeans, and she was not interested in any of my suggestions. She was not interested in cute or trendy. (Or maybe, in her mind, antiquated?)
She excitedly got a Frozen t-shirt.
I think I will enjoy today.
